Home is where my heart is… Or is it?

P.L. Berger once said, No matter what, no matter where, it's always home, if love is there.

Apparently, the cause of our financial difficulties lately is the renovation of our house. I'm not so sure why they came to think that we need to extend our humble home, from bungalow to two-storey. Is it the furnitures? Is it because we are too many to fit in it? Oh well.

My folks thought they could squeeze another debt, so they made us choose between a car or to makeover our house. We won by a majority vote, 3-2, to buy a new car but those 2 siblings of mine, pleaded their case and wooed my mother to sway to the other side.

What happened? I just made it a running joke to my sister, the one who makes sandwiches for us, that she'll have to pay for it when she's already working. 25 years to pay. Dang. We're already teens ready to become adults, I still don't see why we needed to renovate, we may get married or something, or move out in a few years.

I wish they tried to fix internally first before trying to remake externally. Didn't they know there are issues needed to be addressed first? Like communication, we really haven't talked seriously about our life, what's happening to our school, etc. Like our grandparents, they still aren't on good terms. *sigh*

There's nothing I can do but to live with it. I ask myself sometimes, What if the car was bought, would it be different? My answer is in the negative so I'll probably keep it to myself and mum about the subject.

Losing someone

I knew losing someone, be it a friend or a sibling, is really hard to stomach. Especially, when you've grown close together, or been used to having/seeing him there.

My brother was away for months and he returned just yesterday. He stayed in our province and lived with our relatives there. I actually missed him, his stinky smell, his silly questions, his laugh — everything. Currently, he has stopped school due to financial problem, in which he had a large part of, details soon (probably another post). Well, he's lazy anyway so it's all good. When he was just a kid, he performs well in class but as he grow older and older, his priorities were videogames, basketball, school, probably in that order.

I'll feel a little guilty if I don't excel this semester because I have a chance to study while my bro has to stay at home. Also, I know now what the professors tell us everytime, Have a little shame on your parents who work hard for you to be here at school, blah blah blah. I want to dedicate this sem to my bro. Hopefully, I can manage even if the subjects are a tad difficult than before.

Another thing, I feel I have lost a couple of my close friends, one was on the other section while the other has transferred school. I'm really sad when I knew that it was the case this semester. I've been close to them just recently, but I actually feel like I've known them for years. A friend of mine told me maybe there's a reason for it, maybe it will make us become closer, etc. I think he has a point but their presence is really what I miss. I don't know, I just feel comfortable around them. I missed our text messages, phone calls, etc. Oh well.

I know I'll feel this way when I lose someone: (Ephram Brown to Amy on Everwood) "You know, after my mom died, everybody told me that I was gonna be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, that didn't ever happen; not really anyway. . . What you're feeling right now Amy, it doesn't ever really go away — not completely. It's not like, ya know, you're gonna go back to being the person you were before they died — the person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're pissed off that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before."

Dead man walking

My grandfather is probably feeling like a dead man walking. He was diagnosed with TB but it's curable. He should have overcome this disease long ago if he just followed the prescriptions, the medicines to take, apparently, he took it for granted and it's getting worse.

If every family has an issue this is probably one of ours. And its history can be traced up to my childhood. As far as I can remember, my childhood isn't great, it always seem a long day. They (my grandparents, lolo/lola in Tagalog) seem to argue every day. When my mother was off to work, I can't wait for her to come back. The clock ticked slowly like a snail inching to its destination.

It even came to a point where he threatened my lola by pointing a knife to her. We were just young then and it gave us the negative implication on him. Almost everyone here at home doesn't like him that's why he always go out and wander. He's popular around here in the village. He always loiter in front of our house and talks to our neigbors.

As we grow older, the argument lessened but still they can't just stop the heated conversations. I don't know why but for me their arguments are causing no good. Maybe it's causing us bad luck, who knows.

My only wish when my hair turns white and my face shows multiple lines, is that I don't feel like I'm not existing — don't want to feel like a dead man walking.

You’re lucky, lucky… you’re so lucky

Nah, this is not Franz Ferdinand's song Do you want to. It's what I secretly tell myself recently.

Yeah, I just realized how really blessed I am. I'm lucky to have my family and friends around me, especially now, when times are really hard. Just to give you a heads up on how tough is it now, I'll just give you an analogy; the prices of commodities are going up and my allowance is steadily declining every year.

I thought about it a couple of days ago when my classmate before, told me that he symphatize his neighbor who just have an allowance for his transportation to school. I thought mine was already low but needless to say, I'm lucky to have been able to eat and do something with what my parents give me.

I'm really thrifty when it comes to money. I save a lot since I don't have much to spend with and don't have someone to spend it on. Buying for my own benefit is probably one of the least on my list. I don't know but I'm really contented with what I have right now, family, friends and things just to name a few. I'm a typical jeans and shirt guy. When I go out you'll probably notice I just changed my shirt, the pants and the sneakers remain the same. Well, I don't care what other may think but it's not a big deal for me anyhow. Apparently, my savings was borrowed by my mother to pay for some bills, a sack of rice, etc. Well, I understand that I need to sacrifice my own enjoyment for the family's sake. I'm not suggesting that I'm good, sometimes I also think what if I have my money, would it make a difference? I don't think so. I'll just wait for lady luck to come our way and turn things around.

They always tell us (my siblings) to think of others, especially when eating, they would blurt out, Think of those who doesn't eat, yadda yadda yadda, you're just wasting your food. Personally, that really struck me as I can see that what they told us is true. Poverty is really rampant today and I'll leave you with a quote that goes, I cried because I have no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet. Life's full of blessings we are just too blind to see them.

Long day

First day of school seems forever. Well, not really, maybe it was just a long day.

 From now on, I have to wake up before 6 in the morning, a little earlier than my usual routine, but I can definitely manage. My schedule always starts at 9 AM, therefore, I’m off to school at around 7 because of traffic, which I didn’t experience much for a couple of days, maybe it’s still too early to tell as some may not have classes yet.

We have met four, out of the six, professors and I can say that they look alright, not in a physical sense, but they seem to be good teachers. One of them was our prof before in Cost Accounting, and he’s really good even though the subject is pretty hard.

Our class is partly divided into groups. Our group, their group and others. Well, maybe it’s still early to tell but looks like this semester will rock. Some girls have caught my eye too, apparently they’re on the other group. 🙂 But who knows, the sem is young.

Anyway, our dismissal is a lot early than before. We head off at around 6 in the evening and sometimes at 4:30 in the afternoon.

My friend, Ruth, made us wait for an hour on the first day. I’ve already waited for an hour and a half for my peer, Van, as he wanted to change his section.

Anyway, I’m so used to waiting and patience is in my dictionary, so it’s all good. It just made the day long.